An important re-post

Top Five Regrets Of The Dying
12-10-11

 

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.   People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.   When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:   1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.   This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.   It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.   2. I wish I didn't work so hard.   This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.   By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.   3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.   Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.   We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.   4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.   Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.   It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.   5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.   This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.   When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.   Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

the flower between

      I once worked with an actor named Paul. During a conversation he told me how great of an actress his wife is. He went on further to say that she was slow at the start, but then "bam" the performance would just spring forth.
     
     We then went into the rehearsal hall and continued with our day and that was the end of it. However, the conversation stuck with me. Her way of working being so different then mine. I come in with many choices already made, and hit the ground running. Yes, if my scene partner is also willing to hit the ground with me and "play",  I put my choices aside and  explore with them. But if they haven't done their homework and are trying to use this time to find the role and learn lines...step aside.
     
       Although, in Dracula and Julius Caesar  I play(ed) supporting characters.  So I was forced to slow done, letting the leads call the shots. Well, surprising "bam's" happen this week as they did in Dracula. As we were taking another pass at certain scenes my character's began blossoming before me.  I hit the grey area, the Jazz, the ape in the cage, I stopped acting. I was a real deep person, that felt and thought, as much as the "leads", but for whatever reason I didn't have as much to say.
     
      At first I was delighted because I wasn't going to look like a supporting cardboard character, then alarmed- how did it happen, now more curious then anything.
     
     I think the work is just as good as the other way of working. I enjoyed myself more during this process, being there was way less stress. I was okay not having the answers in front of my cast mates. I got to ask the director to look and give me input, and actually listened.
     
     BUT....What now? Would I go into Hamlet likes this? No way: I don't trust it, there isn't enough time, the list goes on. But are these answers legit, or am I just scared?  Yes, this felt more like a collaboration, but I'm not in the hot seat. Or, am I.

     I got to the same place, but used a different road. All roads lead to Rome, or do they. I'm a year older, and although I've a few more bruises then last, I'm smarter for them. Take the sensible approach, look at all the factors, and most importantly don't throw the baby out with the bath water. I can't control this, that much I've learned. So, do the work, believe in myself and my talent, be okay waiting for inspiration to come, and...enjoy life and not stress out... by..... trusting.

I think my mom, edgaro, jacqueline, gisela, penny, steve, and cyn, would smile with agreeance  .

p.s.
Happy New Year!