the flower between

      I once worked with an actor named Paul. During a conversation he told me how great of an actress his wife is. He went on further to say that she was slow at the start, but then "bam" the performance would just spring forth.
     
     We then went into the rehearsal hall and continued with our day and that was the end of it. However, the conversation stuck with me. Her way of working being so different then mine. I come in with many choices already made, and hit the ground running. Yes, if my scene partner is also willing to hit the ground with me and "play",  I put my choices aside and  explore with them. But if they haven't done their homework and are trying to use this time to find the role and learn lines...step aside.
     
       Although, in Dracula and Julius Caesar  I play(ed) supporting characters.  So I was forced to slow done, letting the leads call the shots. Well, surprising "bam's" happen this week as they did in Dracula. As we were taking another pass at certain scenes my character's began blossoming before me.  I hit the grey area, the Jazz, the ape in the cage, I stopped acting. I was a real deep person, that felt and thought, as much as the "leads", but for whatever reason I didn't have as much to say.
     
      At first I was delighted because I wasn't going to look like a supporting cardboard character, then alarmed- how did it happen, now more curious then anything.
     
     I think the work is just as good as the other way of working. I enjoyed myself more during this process, being there was way less stress. I was okay not having the answers in front of my cast mates. I got to ask the director to look and give me input, and actually listened.
     
     BUT....What now? Would I go into Hamlet likes this? No way: I don't trust it, there isn't enough time, the list goes on. But are these answers legit, or am I just scared?  Yes, this felt more like a collaboration, but I'm not in the hot seat. Or, am I.

     I got to the same place, but used a different road. All roads lead to Rome, or do they. I'm a year older, and although I've a few more bruises then last, I'm smarter for them. Take the sensible approach, look at all the factors, and most importantly don't throw the baby out with the bath water. I can't control this, that much I've learned. So, do the work, believe in myself and my talent, be okay waiting for inspiration to come, and...enjoy life and not stress out... by..... trusting.

I think my mom, edgaro, jacqueline, gisela, penny, steve, and cyn, would smile with agreeance  .

p.s.
Happy New Year!